1. The government of Pakistan bombs India while I’m there.
2. The Chinese government bombs India while I’m there.
3. The North Korean government tries to bomb the United States but has really bad aim or faulty technology and bombs India instead.
4. Fox “News” spreads a rumor that India has oil, so George W. Bush bombs India.
5. All of the above.
6. Amateur terrorists do something bad at an airport or on a plane while I’m on board. (Note: professional terrorists are called governments.)
7. I meet a British tourist who can recite “The Jabberwocky” backwards, and we decide we cannot stay apart.
8. I get drunk on bad Indian beer and, mistaking someone for the Buddha, take literally the saying, “If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha,” and end up in jail.
9. Maoists waylay the pilgrimage in Nepal, and I mysteriously disappear. But you can find out about me, six months later, on Amnesty International’s website.
10. I read in the Times of India an article claiming that the Democrats didn’t really win Congress: that it was all a Big Lie to give us a false sense of security.
11. I read in the Times of India an article saying that George W. Bush has declared himself Emperor of America.
12. I find out that several countries are so pissed off with the Bush Administration that they all simultaneously bomb the United States.
13. I read in the Times of India an article saying that George W. Bush has declared himself Emperor of the World.
14. I sneak off into the Himalayas to Tibet and become a squatter in the Dalai Lama’s palace, the Potala.
15. I sneak off into the Himalayas to Tibet, and Chinese authorities catch me participating in a nonviolent protest, so I end up in prison.
16. I’m hired to catalog Buddhist, Jain, and Hindu scriptures.
17. I’m hired to make Buddha statues and Goddess statues and paid a living wage.
18. I find out that relatives have moved into my house. Ew.
19. I find out that while checking on my house, relatives discover my stash of books on Paganism and Wicca, books on Goddesses, books on feminism, and books on Buddhism; they send me threatening hate mail via both snail mail and e-mail.
20. I make friends with lots of stray cats and start a cathouse I mean a special home for cats.
I have a bonding experience with a Sacred Cow, and we found a mooing chorus.
21. Rabid monkeys jump down from a tree and beat me to death with sticks.
22. I go to the Himalayas and meditate in a cave for the next twenty years.
23. This is my favorite: I acquire so much merit that I suddenly become charismatic, and vast numbers of people actually listen to me and take me seriously, and I get a nonviolent revolution rolling.
24. At Bodh Gaya, I meet a Tibetan lama, and we elope.
25. I meet the Dalai Lama and he instantly recognizes me as the reincarnation of a dakini or a lama, so I stay for training.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
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